I went out to dinner on Friday night, with some amazing women I have met through my local Multiple Birth Association (it’s a club for families with multiples – ie twins, triplets and quads). These women all have twins only a few months older than Harry and Joan, and they have been an incredibly gorgeous support for me, during what many twin mums have called “the hardest year of your life”.
The first six months were in fact some of the hardest times I have ever experienced. Breastfeeding was hard work, hurt and took up most of my day. It hadn’t been that way with my first baby – so I felt frustrated and guilty.
The twins were both so little that they didn’t have enough energy to exclusively breastfeed, and Harry would always fall asleep quite quickly – so I also spent HOURS a day expressing milk so we could give them bottle tops-ups. This hurt A LOT and made me pretty resentful towards the twins and my partner. Yes, I’ll admit, did sometimes think I should make him pump so he can relate to the pain!
Sleep was something you caught in 45 min spurts, day or night and my brain just felt fuzzy all the time.
I couldn’t even drink coffee because Harry’s sensitive and tiny body with react like a hopped-up pill popper and he would be buzzing for 24 hours or more.
I did manage to pull the Artful Business Conference together and deliver the most incredible weekend; all when the twins were only 2 and half months old. This was a tremendous high! But it also sent me into an equally deep low when it was over and I was back to dirty nappies and endless hours of bouncing babies and pumping milk.
I love being a mum and I think I do a decent job of it. But as I have posted about before – that’s not enough. My kids are not my WHY for my business or my life.
I am very open on social media, particularly in my groups, about how I struggle to juggle both business and life. Mostly because life seems to demand more of me, and as a result my business suffers. I’d love to devote more time to my business; but with two babies in the house, I take what I can get. I often feel that the ‘life stuff’ is out of my control and that adds to the frustrations.
My mental health and my energy have both improved since we got some help around the house, in the form of a nanny a few days a week. This allows me dedicated hours to work and this is blissful for me. I love my job. I love being mentally challenged. I love being creative.
Getting back to business and getting outside help, as dose talking with other twin mums. It’s allowed me find some sanity among the craziness.
But my heart is still heavy and it’s because my body is not my own.
Clothes that fit when I was five months pregnant don’t fit me now, (7 months postpartum). I know I’m not large by many people’s standards and I don’t mean for a second to make it sound like I think anyone my size – or bigger than me – is anything other than beautiful. This isn’t about society, or feeling beautiful – it’s simple about how I feel about myself and the changes that have happened over the last 12-18 months.
I do feel fat. I feel uncomfortable. But it’s not just about the weight, it’s because everything is different. My boobs look and feel different. My stomach is not just chubby, it’s changed, maybe forever. I have a massive c-section scar. The list goes on and when my post baby body was a size 8-10, 14 feels huge!
For me, a lot of the post-baby-blues that come with being a new mum stems from the struggle to feel like myself and to recognise the person in the mirror looking back at me.
Add to that, the isolation of feeling like I can’t talk about it with anyone without soundly like a twat who thinks all mums should be a rocking size 10, 6 months after birth. I don’t think that at all.
Pile on top the jealousy I feel for women who come out and say “I’m proud of my post-baby battle scars, my extra wobbles and my stretch marks remind me of how incredible I am as a women and a mother”. I wish I felt even a glimpse of that. I don’t. I morn the body I had back in early 2016.
I’m working on it by starting to eat better, getting back to more regular exercise (especially now that we are starting to get better sleep); I am also doing some inner work so that I can love myself more despite the changes – because on a logical level, I know my body is amazing and has had an incredibly tough year.
Breastfeeding has gotten much easier (but it did take until after 6 months to do so) and the bubs are growing and doing all the wonderful things they should be doing for their age.
This post was important for me to write. It’s been writing itself in my mind for a week or so now, because I needed to say these things out loud. If you feel some comfort knowing that you are not alone in the crazy mix-up of emotions you feel after having babies, then I’m so glad!
I was scared to post it because I know so many women who wish they were mums and aren’t. I didn’t want to offend them or make them feel sad. I was scared to post it because I know many women who are bigger than me and I didn’t want them to feel worse, or that I was for even a second judging them. I can promise you I am not, because I am far too busy over here judging myself! I was scared to post this because I worried it would look like I fishing for compliments, wanting someone to tell me I look great. I’m not – this post is about me, for me and if it helps you I’m thrilled/
Despite feeling scared and vulnerable, I wrote this. because not writing was adding to the build-up of pressure. Because I want to talk about how hard it is being a new mum; and not just because you’re tired, and you suddenly have a person (or two!) to keep alive, but because our bodies change so much, we sometimes don’t even know who we are anymore.
Being a mum is an incredible gift and I am honestly grateful for it every day.
But it is also incredible hard and I think it needs to be ok to say so.
What do you find the hardest about being a mum?
I think it’s more than ok to admit you’re struggling with something. Social media doesn’t have to be glossy and “annual family letter” highlights. If you’re feeling, I’m more than willing to be someone else is feeling it too. Us humans are all pretty alike. And now that the other person can read this, they’ll feel less like they’re the only one feeling it. It’s the connection of the internet that helps us all.
Thanks Vanessa and you’re right. We are all humans and these kind of feels just as much are what makes us who we are as all the good stuff.
I totally know the feeling of not being able to share a frustration about your body because so many others don’t see it that way.
I feel like I’ve been so focussed on business and making it a “success”- that I’ve neglected my sport and physical activity. As a result I have some extra weight on that simply makes me feel frumpy.
I don’t have a new baby, I don’t have a reason. I know I need to get back to moving more.
It’s ok to acknowledge how we are feeling right now, even with all the amazing around us that we have done. Twins, family business.
One foot in front of the other. Eyes on the goal.
A purpose filled with passion and happy family.
I think you’re amazing and in time you will settle back into your groove even more and create a new kick butt exterior you will feel comfortable and content with. Big love xxx
A new business is like a new baby so I think you have ample reason – but like you said “One foot in front of the other. Eyes on the goal.”
We got this!
great blog Elle, and I love the quote that you’re not judging others because you’re far too busy over there judging yourself! Adjusting is hard work, and even when we surrender because we kind of have no choice, acceptance sucks. Loving our new body, even when you fit back into pre baby stuff it has changed, takes time.
It does take time and I can say a few months on it all feels a lot less heavy! Thank you for your comment xo
Love your honest and genuine story Elle. It’s so important to keep telling diverse versions of life to break down stereotypes and celebrate our differences. Keep it up!
I agree and I don’t the truth behind motherhood is shared often enough. Thank you for taking time to comment.
Well done for your honest post . We are awesome human beings as women and let’s be loud and proud. Go girl!
YES women really are incredible creatures aren’t we. Some days I get jealous of the menfolk – but for the most part I am grateful for my feminine power.
Best job in the world! Many women feel like you, but that sweet baby is so worth it!
Yes Lisa they are TOTALLY worth it! As we move into the toddler phase now I am feeling more and more like myself.
I just stumbled across this, and it was the perfect time for me to read it.
Like you, my kids aren’t my why. I love them all dearly, but I need something else outside of them, for me and my sanity.
Bub is 3 months old now, and while I am starting to find some sort of new “normal” I still have bouts of frustration, trying to get it all done, and realising that I just can’t any more.
He was number 3 and my body definitely didn’t bounce back this time. It didn’t help that I was 20kg heavier when I fell pregnant this time, than the last times… but I feel uncomfortable and shy now.
Anyway… just needed a vent and wanted to say thank you for sharing something so honest.
You’re amazing and it took me MUCH longer than you to get back to any sense of NORM.
But I think sharing our experience and being honest with ourselves about how hard some days feel actually makes it easier for all of us.
Here for you to vent to ANY time lovely lady!